IMPORTANT NOTE

HELLO HELLO>>>
I'd like to make an announcement!!!

I changed my blogging place! :P

you can find me now at

http://anima77.wordpress.com/

HAVE...FUN...?

"Where I'd want to be" [picture]

Tonight?

There's only one thing I wonder about. That moment. Right here. I
think I'm going a bit crazy with that.
What do you wish for, if you wish? Do you wish that you had the stars?
I'm looking at you sometimes, through a very foggy glass and I wonder.
How do you feel?
Is there anything inside you that not just breathes, but feels? Can
you understand me?
I don't ask for much.
Nothing is real after all, right?
So why not be here, in that scene, a different scene, with what you
always wanted?
Oh right... Who am I to know what the hell you always wanted. I'm
nothing after all!
I'm not the sun, I'm not the stars. I never was.
But I was there in the day you realized who you were. I was there the
day you realized you've been walked over.
I was there've day you were in pain. Every single time you were in pain.
I remember everything.
What have we become my angel?
It was my soul you stole that day, not just my heart. That small
bloody thing with the scars on it.
I'm thinking of thinking if you and I wonder again... Did you know, or
your ignorance was the burden again?
Is the feeling you chose to show the one you really felt?
I don't know where we are going now.
It's not me. Believe me.
I'm trying to be me, but, strange, what I was and what I am seem not
only to be away, but to even collide sometimes.
All the shit you could find...that's what you told me.
I'm really sorry for you, you know. I'm sorry.
I just want you to understand that there's no need to wonder when the
light's on. You will be welcome.
But baby, you made the difference tonight. And there's no coming back.
Our fairytale has gone bad.
What fairytale, really???
It was a nightmare from the beggining, you psychotic bastard, you
hypocrite.
Can you pick the pieces and put them back?
I've got my toys.
But I don't need toys to be happy.

-Wounds-

We all have wounds. Others external, slightly visible on our skin,
others really deep inside ourselves.
Some of them were inflicted by accident. We were walking in the woods
when we fell and our knees bled. We were little, walking inside a dark
corridor full of locked doors when we opened one, and our hearts were
scratched.
We may have caused some of them on our own. To test our limits? To see
how it felt? To show off?
I can't say. I daren't guess.
Our wounds are something really personal, but an object of discussion
as well. Even if we tend to hold it inside, we can't help but talk
about them with...us. With our logic, our ability to comprehend. One
must be a real psycho to hold secrets from himself.
I don't know where this post is going again....
Am I writing because I don't feel healed? Maybe. I see myself as a
sword. A new sword, that had to fight from the moment it left the
blacksmith's dirty, carved arms. A sword that not only had to face
other swords, stronger, thicker, better, more beautiful, but also had
to find the strength to face itself, come in terms with it and
finally, rest, reflecting upon it's many scars.
Everybody has wounds. Some of them, we can't even remember how we got
them. They have become a part of us, of our bodies. We don't even
notice them. Nor an we imagine us without them.
I'm shaking. I'm feeling weak.
But I'm strong. I will face my scars with brave eyes and a naked soul.
I will be free.
Everybody has wounds. The point is, can we learn to live with them?

-Wounds-

Problems, problems.

I have many problems right now. And I just felt like being grumpy for
a while. And who else would be qualified enough, other than my
favorite blog page? Huh?
Anyway. Let's start from two days ago. I was feeling a little bit
under the weather, coughing, sneezing, and stuff. Nothing special. But
I kept on pushing myself to study and study and study.
Then I had a sleepover.
Then I woke up, feeling sore, and generally, worse. I saw two or three
movies, and I felt even worse. I was home alone, and I had one panic
attack. You know, shortness of breath, inexplicable panick, not able
to move for a while.... I survived, and tried to relax.
And while I was doing my Latin homework, later that night, SOMETHING,
decided to communicate with me!!! I was so shocked!!! I seriously
doubt that there was a time I've been more terrified in my life. And
I've witnessed some pretty sick things too.
So there I was, feeling my pen moving by itself, making weird symbols
and circles. What came in the end was one really psychotic-looking
face. The thing was kinds funny. Well, you might not believe me. I
don't give a shit to be honest. I know that's what happened.
The rest...well I'm not going to talk about it, because even I cannot
believe them until now.
I then had another panic attack. The second in ONE single day. I
don't even know how long I was left on the floor trying to breathe.
My grandmother thinks I stay too much in the dark, and delve too deep
in subjects I shouldn't, for my own good.....
This morning I couldn't get up. My head felt like it was being pushed.
My blood pressure was low. I've lost a significant amount of blood
those days after all. But I cannot move the whole day. It feels like a
gigantic bulldoze drove me over. I don't know how I'll get it through.
I'm shaking, I'm dizzy, I fell down a few times. I can even see one
more attack coming if anything makes me more jumpy. I won't survive
THAT. I am a living dead, indeed.
So I need guidance right now. And my guide is so far far away. In
another dimension, I'd dare to guess. And I need him. Now. That not
only I am alone, but also moving away from reality more and more each
second.
What is happening to me?
Screw the "being a teenager" thing. I refuse to blame it.

4am Sick Monologue

[Too melodramatic content. Proceed at your own risk]

I'm afraid to close my eyes. I know what will happen. I can almost see
it clearly now. I know there will be noise. I know there will be
terror. So many empty faces, covered with white cloths... So many
empty hearts covered with blank emotions... And the sounds...oh the
sounds. They creep inside my heart and make it go so fast and faster
and faster until I can feel nothing else that the beating. I can't
breathe. I can't see. Everything is darkness.
And then I open my eyes. Still darkness. Still emptiness. At least, if
I'd managed to drown into non existence I would have dreamt of you,
and that's something I could live for. But, no. Nothing. My nails
carve patterns in my palms as I squeeze air inside my lungs... And
you're not here. How much I need you, right now... You know. But
there's nothing you can do, right?
You're my only need. More than water. More than food. More than air. I
miss what could have been so much that I hurt. My whole body aches...
It remembers those dream-like states it was in the cage of your arms,
feeling safe. Feeling that nothing could ever be wrong. Each and
every cell of my existance screams for you. I need you. I want to be
with you. Inch over inch... Emotion over emotion.. So nothing will
ever come between us again, nothing will hurt us, nothing will tell us
not to believe.
If you were here, you'd wipe the tears that flow from my eyes. If you
were here you'd tell me what I wanted to hear... You'd just be there,
so I could finally close my eyes and rest, while you'd take care of
me. You always took care of me. You said I was fragile. That you were
afraid to leave me alone. You, were afraid for me, my fearless knight.
If you were here it's be allright. Would we need anything else?
Don't cry. Don't cry if you read that letter. It's only supposed to be
for you, after all. Don't feel. Don't suffer. We might not be together
now, but what we have is more than I could ever ask for.
Oh, it's so hard to dream of you. Because I have to wake up. Because
I'm addicted to the way that feels. And I belong here and now. I must
stop thinking of you.
But I know that if you were here everything would be better.
So, what is different?
Nothing. I still wake up crying, and with the sheets hugging tight my
body, remining me even more of you. I still keep on stepping here, on
this stable earth but walking beside you, holding your head, feeling
your warmth.
I still keep on writing, in the middle of the night because I miss
you, and I try to avoid thinking of you. I fail miserably.
So I guess I should try to sleep. Will you do me that last favour and
sent your spirit to my side? I'm so scared to sleep alone. I'm scared
to even walk this road alone.
Come. We can dream together. That's all we've left after all.

-Free. To you my love.